Before I begin I want to publicly thank everyone here for the love and the compassion you have given Joelene and I during the last 4 1/2 months. I can't imagine what it would have been like if we were without a church family and the love that flows from it. Especially the youth group and the Monday night Precepts class.

This morning I hope to share my feelings and thoughts regarding Brian's death. To do this I had to look back at some notes I used to write him. I have written Brian notes since he was born and I was planning on giving them to him because I was sure at some point he would have wanted my advice. I will read to you a couple of notes I wrote to him, then I will read from his journal and finally my journal. I apologize now if this stirs up bad memories for anyone. We all have this junk in our life. For me it helps to look back and be exposed and let God do what ever He is going to do.

10-18-1991 Brian is 3

I called home tonight and mom told me you are still sick. You went to the doctor today and he doesn't know what's wrong; all he said was it's a virus. I had a weird feeling tonight like I had to touch you and also my father. It scares me, Brian. I don't want to lose you or my dad. I think about this and start crying. I did cry when I talked to you tonight. You are all I have and I love you so much that it cripples me. I know love is supposed to feel good, but when I think about you getting sick or dying it really hurts.

10-18-1998 Brian is 10

I have not written to you in some time. I'm not sure why. It may be because I can't express my feelings about you for they are too strong to put into words. You have grown to be a great kid. At ten years old, you stand to my chin. I am writing this note to you today because I have a concern about you. You have become a child that yearns for the mountains and climbing. I love that, but at the same time it scares me. I do not want to lose you because of something I introduced to you. We tried to climb Natches Peak this week and Matt and his Dad quit because of the exposure. You and I went on, but 30 feet from the summit I called it off because we were not roped up and I was freaking out thinking of you falling off the ridge. We have climbed harder peaks, but I could not let go because of my fear of losing you! Maybe I need to let go and let God handle it.

10-18-2005 Brian is 17

This is from his journal.

I have cancer, T cell Lymphoma... That sucks.

10-18-2005 My Journal

You called me from mom's car on the way home from the doctors and you told me you have T Cell Lymphoma. Mom couldn't talk. I was in North Carolina upstairs in my room and the call took me to my knees. I leaned against the bathroom door jamb and felt sick. I can't lose you!

10-19-2005 Random notes and thoughts while flying home

Why? How? You are so strong and young!

God, what do you want from me? From him?...don't take him!!

How will this test my faith?

Do I have faith big enough to know You are in control and somehow it is for good?

    No!

This really scares me.

What about Brian's faith?

God take him if you wish, but give us the strength to endure…..not sure I can.

Did I cause this from my sins?

How will I tell my mom?

What do I do? I need the best doctor.

Lord help us!

Reading The Barbarian Way on the plane today and the author is talking about the fact that things may not work out the way we want. The example is Matthew 11 where John the Baptist is in prison and he is asking Jesus for help. He wants to know if Jesus is the One.

He's doubting, the guy that announced the coming of the Lamb of God! John the Baptist is doubting because he is in prison and suffering. Jesus does not help him. That was John's path to live out. Is this Brian's path? I thought God helps ... I am now doubting! Why am I reading this book, this message, at this time? I don't want to hear this, God! Don’t take my son!

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That was the start of a five week journey that ended with some of my closest friends standing around an ICU bed as my son took his last breaths on Thanksgiving Day. 17 years old!

A wanna-be Mike disciple, who dreamed of owning an outdoor camp and being a youth pastor that would challenge kids and bring them to Christ. 

So here is how I am doing ...  My first thoughts were, how do you love a God who doesn't stop the disease and thus wills your son to die? What is this thing called the will of God? I am not sure I understand! Why would God allow this? God said ask and it shall be given. He heals people, right? I asked, and I begged and Brian died.

I am not alone either. Look around, look in the mirror. Spouses die too early, relationships break, diseases cripple, parents die, downsizing takes your job, divorces leave deep scars. Some of the suffering we cause, but a lot of it seems to be God's will. Bottom line is this side of Heaven is tough.

I know He is a potter and we are the clay. I also know He prunes the vine. As many of you know, being broken and pruned hurts; at this point I can't see what good could possibly equal Brian's death. I am waiting on God to reveal that. Maybe that's where He wants me, and maybe I will not know until I pass from this world.

People ask me how I am doing and here is where I need to ask for your forgiveness. 75% of the time I am lying when I answer ok. The truthful answer is this: There are no words ... I hurt; it is an actual physical hurt. I am a changed person, I don't want to discuss it, but yet I do. I see reminders of Brian everywhere I look and I never know if I am going to be angry, or if I am going to cry, or if I am going to laugh. I seem to be hyper sensitive to others' pain. This week a father told me about his son who is having seizures, another guy told me about his divorce. In each case I was able to relate to them because of the pain I have felt. It's hard to describe, but my entire perspective has changed. I hurt for others. It's not even skin deep, it's on the very surface. Money, vacations, retirement, nothing seems important anymore. The problem is; I am not sure what does, except drawing near to God.

What I can tell you is I am seeking God more, and because of that He seems closer. Unfortunately there are still times that I turn from Him, and when I do the separation is now deeper and more dark. I am finding Him in my relationships, the chance encounter and hug with Ken Tobias, the Precepts class, the music I listen to, and my prayer and bible study time. I need Him and I really believe it is God's grace that has helped me endure. I hate it when I deny God in my actions.

Biblical events are more significant to me ... The resurrection is so much more important. Where it once was an event that I believed in, it now is something I am counting on. It is what I am looking forward to. It is where my hope is.

The other concept that is more meaningful is the father/son relationships that are in the Bible. God gave His Son as a sacrifice for our sins so we could have eternal life. Jesus paid the price. All we have to do is believe. And Jesus didn't want to pay the price. He begged God in the garden to do it some other way. Just as I begged God at Mary Bridge Hospital. God denied Jesus because He had a plan, and I am sure He denied me for the same reason. I just wonder if I ever will know that plan here on Earth.

Where I am left is on my face before God praying help me! I can't do this on my own. Sometimes I can't even pray. It comes out as just a groan, but I know it is heard. I was here before about 17 years ago and He helped me then and because of that I know He will help me again. It is God's promise, and I am counting on it.

I didn't want to lose Brian, but I did. I lived the greatest fear I wrote about at different times on October 18th. Brian is one of the main reasons I am a believer in Jesus Christ. He was a gift from God, and as much as I am hurting now, I look forward to seeing the future gifts God will provide. Unfortunately these gifts may only come with more suffering. Just as Jesus suffered, John the Baptist, and the disciples. Maybe it is part of our refining and pruning. Maybe it is God's will and maybe it hurts Him more.

Forgive me for saying I am ok. I am, but really I am not. I am just waiting on God.

Added Note 9-26-2006

I am at 30,000 feet going to Alaska. I am sitting behind a 17 year old who was hit by a car at the age of 7. Her mom just fed her through a tube. She poured milk and water into a syringe that goes to her stomach! She has internal injuries and brain damage. She is coming back from Seattle to see if she had a brain tumor or other problems in addition to the old injuries. All I want to do is cry as I watch them care for her. I would love to be caring for Brian no matter what condition he would be in ... or would I? Everyone has junk in their lives. I feel their pain and all I can do is cry out to Jesus for them and me. Heal us Lord!

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