It is my hope, my prayer that sharing my story with you will encourage you to continue on with Christ, to glimpse anew that we have a God that is for us and not against us. He is good!

I stand before you today and say with utter and complete confidence…

God is faithful.

He is steadfast.

He is relentless in His pursuit of us.

He is completely, totally loving and holy.

He won my heart many years ago, but today I say without reservation, He has won my heart.

Isaiah 48:10

"See I have refined you, but not like silver;

I have tested you in the furnace of adversity

For my own sake, for my own sake, I do it,

For why should my name be profaned?

My glory I will not give to another.

Vs.16

"Draw near to me, hear this!

From the beginning I have not spoken

In secret, from the time it came to be

I have been there

And now the Lord God has sent me and His Spirit.

Vs. 17

Thus says the Lord, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel

I am the Lord your God

Who teaches you for your own good,

Who leads you in the way you should go."

To share with you what has happened of significance in my life over the past 18 months and for it to make sense means I need to share with you snapshots of my history.

I grew up in West Linn Oregon, about 14 miles south of Portland. In 1961 when I was seven years old (yes, you can do the math – I am 52) my mother died after open heart surgery to repair a damaged heart valve resulting from rheumatic fever she had when she was 12. When I was older my dad shared with me a letter he received from her doctor after my mom's death, prophetically seeing that in the years ahead this type of surgery would become routine, with high levels of success. My mom did not have the time to wait, because unknown to me her health was failing. Yet I grieved for her much more as an adult than I ever did as a child.

My dad remarried a little over a year later and I ended up with older stepbrothers and a stepsister. Mike and Pat were both married; Terry had just graduated from high school and was headed off to the Navy. So the reality was that I was an only child. I always had a good, strong relationship with my dad, always knew that he loved me and that I was always safe with him. In more ways than one, I am like him! Over the years I had a struggling relationship with my step-mom, who I called "Mom" - when you’re 8, you do want a mom. And although this struggling relationship had profound impact upon my life, I am grateful for her and am completely in awe of how God worked miraculously in her life to draw her to Himself just weeks before she died in 1996. As I grew through my adult years I came to understand her own struggles in life that she lived with, and how perhaps they were reflected in her expectations of me.

Having said that, I share with you that "fear" has marked my life - fear that I would not measure up - and that somehow translated into fear that I would fail God. I grew up with this sense of never getting it right. I could not please my step-mom (or perhaps even more importantly, I thought that I could not). This profoundly marked me - perhaps even more so because of my own "personality bent" - the need to get things right, do things by the book.

Couple this with growing up in the church – a Baptist church in the 1960's (I do appreciate and value my "Baptist heritage!"). My dad did not really attend church and my step-mom was Catholic, yet every Sunday I was at Sunday School. I think in part it was to honor my mother, who had been a deacon at the First Baptist Church up on the hill in Oregon City. For me the Christian life was marked by things you do not do - "good" Christians do not smoke, drink, swear, or dance.

What was seared into my soul was that love and acceptance were earned, so my understanding of being a Christian had to do with "doing" certain things: performance - daily reading the Bible, daily having a prayer time. And as I grew older - if you were really spiritual, you had long periods of prayer. I mean Martin Luther would pray for hours! To be accepted you had to "be somebody" - you had to do something. Special people were accepted and admired.

And of course, the things you don't do. I grew up in a legalistic framework that gave me perimeters to gauge "how I was doing." Which of course fit with my personality, which also kept me in bondage.

I got quite good at "reading" people. I could walk into a room and know if it was going to be a good day, and to this day I can read the "temperature" in a room pretty accurately.

I grew up very self-conscious. I was not "pretty" or "cute". I had black hair that was very wavy (remember this was in the time of "straight hair"). I was an athletic tomboy, and this was truly a time of the "dark ages" in women’s/girl's sports. I would rather be outside playing army with my 1st and 2nd grade friends, football with my cousins, or basketball with the neighborhood boys. I did have a Barbie, but she never would have made it to EBay! I still am athletic and love sports. In fact I am much more comfortable talking about sports whether it is the Seahawks, Sandy Koufax and the Dodgers, Blazers (back in the 70’s) or Mariners.

My self worth was determined by how I was received, perceived and accepted in a group. This affected and has affected every aspect of my life. The solution was for me to try to please everyone.

In 1974 Steve and I met while we were both on staff at Sambica Christian Camp outside of Bellevue on Lake Sammamish. Perhaps he was the first one I knew that actually accepted me, even though the first time he saw me it was counselor "dress up" night at camp and my campers had dressed me up as their impression of mother nature: I had flowers and baby powder in my hair (an early gray!) and they were leading me around on a horse! Steve and I eventually completed degrees in parks and recreation at the University of Oregon, and ended up at Miracle Ranch. We were married in September 1977. Steve was on full-time staff and me - well let's just say there was a very low glass ceiling!

Along the way God continued to be part of my life. I had "accepted" Christ when I was 14 at a "youth event", yet it took more than three years for me to "know" that I was saved. Doubt racked that time, and that is a whole story in itself!

I am so grateful that God worked with me through all these years… There have been several significant places in our lives with each of our children… and with their permission I am sharing parts of that.

Carmen was born in 1980, Philip in 1982, and Becca in 1988.

Just before Philip turned one he became quite ill with a bacterial infection in his left knee and spent his first birthday in the hospital. We were back in the hospital on New Year’s Eve because as soon as he went off his antibiotic the fever and swelling returned. The initial five days in December were followed this time by surgery and nine additional days. Thankfully the infection was localized in the joint area and not in the bone. Philip healed, and started walking several months later. Then in April he woke up one morning with little red dots all over his chest, little red splotches in the whites of his eyes, and a blood blister on his lip. The subsequent blood test confirmed that his platelet count, which should be in the neighborhood of 150,000-250,000, was less than 10,000. Philip had idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura (ITP).

Quickly we returned to Mary Bridge for another stay. This was scary. His platelet count would stabilize but when we would try to back him down off the prednisone (steroids), his platelet count would drop. It was a time of ups and downs – emotionally and spiritually. I had learned that my praise of the Lord was not to be conditional and only given when things were going well. God did not change – why should my praise of Him change? I clearly remember sitting on the edge of my bed – it was June by now – recognizing that I had taken the approach of "OK, I'll praise you God and I expect you to do something really cool and good – like heal my son!" Sitting on the edge of my bed I resolved to praise Him and give Him thanks regardless. I turned him again over to God. Over the course of the next six weeks Philip’s platelet count returned to normal and he has never had a recurrence or problem with ITP.

Life went on.

Becca was born in 1988, and her birth changed things in more ways than one. I remember at some point in my pregnancy with her I sensed very strongly that something was different – more than the "normal" fears that something was not right. At that time we attended PCF and I asked several women to pray for me. They did, and I had a peace that everything would be "OK". Becca was born, and within several days everything turned upside down. Gratefully in our state when the blood test is done for PKU there are also other conditions that are checked, and one of those is critical in our story. Becca’s heels looked like pin cushions (from all the blood tests) by the time we came home, and shortly thereafter it was confirmed that Becca had what is called Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia (CAH). Both Steve and I are carriers – the "congenital" part. (And no, Philip and Carmen did not have it).

Her particular CAH blockage occurred at the 11 hydroxalyse - not as common, yet much more stable. She was unable to produce her own cortisol. What we did not know in those early days was if she was a "salt waster" - unable to maintain her sodium level. Daily trips to Mary Bridge for blood work to monitor her sodium levels filled those first nine days. And then we found out her sodium level was dropping and back we went for what I think were weekly appointments to check things. We learned to give her shots to supply her cortisone and monthly slow release shots to maintain her sodium level.

I remember people coming to me and asking if they could pray for her healing. Yet I knew that was not what or how we needed to pray. Washington State began an effort to network parents throughout the state with CAH children and as we heard their stories, I remember observing how much people wanted their kids to be normal. They were continually comparing their children with children that did not have CAH (not to minimize the difficulty of the places they were walking), and I remember realizing and thinking very strongly that that was the wrong way to look at it. Is it normal for Becca to have CAH? I had a choice: I could say no, and look at her as "lacking"” something and try to fix something; or I could recognize that Becca has CAH and that this is normal for her. It changes how you view things. She has a medical condition and with daily medication she lives a "normal life." She (has learned how to monitor (as have we) and she is really stable with daily medication. There have only been a few "blips" where things have been serious. Again, another story. . .

It was during these early days and years, with both Philip and Becca in and out of Mary Bridge and the Outpatient Clinic, that God began to open my eyes to places of suffering and heartbreak in our world. And He cared.

However, over the course of time I began to get weary in my walk with Christ. There are several areas that contributed to that weariness, but what you need to know is that I "sort of" began to give up. With my view/understanding of how the Christian life was supposed to be done, it was just too hard, and I was too tired. By my measurement standard I was not doing what I was supposed to be doing or what I wanted to be doing (and I don’t think I even really knew what that was).

Because of what I had seen and heard, I had this impression that if you really move forward with God, the enemy (satan) will attack you, and I didn’t want that. Without really realizing it I began to unconsciously and to a degree consciously decide to back off. It was just too hard to follow Christ the way I thought you were supposed to. Better to just be "normal" and maybe satan would leave us alone. I know now, that is a lie from the pit. We do have a roaring lion seeking to set traps and devour us and we are more vulnerable trying to live status quo than pursuing and walking in close relationship with the Lord. Tithing became a result of convenience. Reading the Word was when I get around to it. Again everything was defined by what I did, rather than developing a relationship with Christ. My head knew He loved me, but my heart did not believe it.

Personally Steve and I were together but it was like side by side in the same direction, each of us dealing with our own lives – work, kids, and stuff. Then in the mid-90's God began to draw me and soften my heart. My heart was being drawn toward Him anew. In 1999 we went through a different and difficult time. During Carmen's senior year at Gig Harbor High School, we began to understand that Carmen's relationship with her boyfriend was not what it should be. We saw her confidence decline - in her words, become "non-existent" - because what began as "OK" had become manipulative. This brought a significant change in Steve and I. We really had not prayed together since college except about little stuff. Now we were together praying intensely. It didn't matter if it was being done "right" or not - we had no where else to turn… This "simple" movement in prayer continues daily and has done more to renew our love and strengthen our marriage than anything else, period. (Footnote: it took a while, but the relationship Carmen was in ended).

God was gracious and saw us through that time and the years that followed. He was renewing my heart; relationship with Christ was becoming a relationship. Things were changing. Reading the word, though not daily, was part of my life again. Some of those legalistic tendencies were being replaced with "I get to do this." Prayer was a regular part of my life – throughout the day. Tithing as a spiritual discipline became regular – not because we wanted God to "bless us" but because He was again becoming Lord of our lives and we wanted His presence in our lives. He was becoming more real in my life/our life. It does not mean things were totally smooth – no, we encountered several very difficult places in life – but God was and is sufficient.

Then during the 2004-05 school year, God began to do some things in my life that I did not expect. Work was going well, but I was very busy, involved with several different projects that provided me with an opportunity to be involved in the community and to work on programs to benefit "at-risk" youth for the school district. These required a need to, at times, balance and juggle work responsibilities and be accountable to different supervisors. I was getting pulled in each direction and the programs required more time than I could adequately give. With my bent to "please" people I began to break.

Through this process God was showing me myself – the very core of my being - and He had a work to do in me that was neither easy or particularly welcome. But I am so very grateful for His faithfulness in me and with me. I had to face the fact that I was a people pleaser. In my need to please others I had lost a sense of personal boundaries. This was not easy to face. God was doing surgery in me for my good. He wanted to set me free. It was a process of truly letting go - allowing God to break me and release me.

While that was happening our friend Kathryn Tobias, who also worked for the school district, was beginning her journey with glioblastoma – only we didn’t know it.

Friday, April 1, 2005. I had been in Yakima presenting with a colleague from the Puget Sound Educational Service District at a collaboration conference for schools, families and communities. I had gotten a call from Steve that Kathryn was at Swedish and it "didn’t look good." I left the conference early on Friday morning and came back home. Steve and I went up to see Kathryn, Ken and family early that evening. I remember how surprised I was (but should I have been?) to walk into her room and see her sitting up in a chair and David asleep on her bed. I knew that it was going to be a difficult and hard walk. I saw her resolve and I knew I wanted to walk through this with them (like many of us). As we got in the elevator to head home I remember asking the Lord, "How do we do this?" And it was almost audible, it was so clear – "compassion" was the reply, and I remembered the section of scripture in Luke 13 when Jesus looked out on Jerusalem and said "how often I desired to gather your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you were not willing!" Instinctively I knew that it was not for Kathryn that I needed to have compassion - having compassion for Kathryn and Ken and their family was easy. It was for those around her – her co-workers, and you. Things were going to change. I just did not realize how dramatically.

Monday at work was hard – people were absolutely devastated. I really mean it. It was as if people had been hit in the stomach by a baseball bat and they were bent over. There were many hugs, tears and groups huddled together. Everyone I encountered was hurting. It wasn't much different at church - the air was sucked out of us, here we go again. I was also frustrated because the diagnosis "sealed the deal." If someone is given only a few months to live what do you do? I rebelled at the comment, "Kathryn will be healed, if not on earth, in heaven." I make no apologies - I think we use that too much as a "cop out." This was my friend. Yes, this was personal. I was not going to stand by and not do something. She/they were going to need people to stand with them. (The young girl playing army was coming out.) And so began a time period that I had never experienced before - such a closeness with the Lord. What began as a means to draw people together around Ken and Kathryn to support them in prayer expanded beyond what I envisioned. I invited people at church that I knew knew Ken and Kathryn and those at work if they wanted to receive a daily scripture and prayer for her. I thought, "How difficult could that be?" The list grew to more than 100 family and friends. And so did the time in seeking God for direction each day.

It is interesting to pray for someone to be healed, to pray literally for them to have daily strength to fight their fight. Honestly I have never prayed like that – with such an intense burden. I would wake up during the night, as many of you woke up during the night to pray. It was as if God gave me this mantle, and He came through. There are many in this room this morning that stood with Kathryn and Ken. This is your story, too! And many that stand with others. You are God’s heroes.

Looking back, I realize I had prayed for others but too often thought "Why pray, what can be done?" As I have thought back I realize that in some places – especially in regard to praying for others – I had lost confidence in God. But over the months my faith was strengthened. I really cannot explain it and it has absolutely nothing to do with me. I am in awe of God. I see things differently – I see people differently today. I know God is forming His heart in me.

I watched Kathryn and Ken walk with incredible faith, rightly balancing faith and hope with the here and now. They completely laid it all on the line, knowing really, ultimately that Kathryn would "win" either way. I saw their courage, and my perspective changed because of them. They gave me far more than I gave them. Remember I had said that I was always afraid that I would somehow disappoint God. It kept me from moving forward in some ministry areas that were in my heart. I encountered a love – God's love - so profoundly that I am not afraid any more. Last June (2005) was a significant turning point for me – God truly pulled out my people-pleasing bent. The root is gone. Everything came to a head in June and at the Evergreen service that month, with the covering prayers of others, God did a work in my heart that I could not do.

I know my Lord now in a way I did not before. The enemy has thrown stuff at me, tried to keep others and myself in bondage. No longer. My confidence is not based on anything in me. It is completely, solely based upon our Lord. I yearn for the day when the enemy of our souls realizes that the people of Harbor Covenant are not to be deterred. That he is behind the gates of hell, because we are moving forward in the knowledge, power and strength of the Lord.

I know now that before when I looked in the mirror I saw my flaws, my imperfections. Now when I look in the mirror, those flaws (or what I saw as flaws) do not matter - I see me, a daughter of the King. I know that I am loved by my Lord and my God.

I have no answer why Kathryn died - why she was not healed, why Brian was not healed, why we feel such depth of pain and grief. There are those here in this room that feel like you cannot get your breath, and if you really let go you will sink too deep to get out. Some feel they have done things that can never be forgiven. That is simply not true. I know.

I have learned perhaps most importantly that the words of Paul in Romans 8 are true. There is absolutely nothing that can keep us from the love of God. He is present with us. We tend to think that there are places that God is not with us – we grieve alone, we must pay for our sins, we bear the burden of the consequences alone. We think that if we do not feel God He must not be there.

But that simply is not true. He is present with us – with you, with me. He is with us in our places, our times of pain. We want the pain to stop -take it away, it is too hard. But He is with us in our places of pain and suffering. He will be with you. He is with you. He will never abandon you or leave you alone. His love fills all things. And He loves you – fully, completely, totally. It is His presence we need. His presence heals us, restores us, and strengthens us.

I am not perfect. We are not perfect. But I will walk with you; we will walk with you. I will pray with you; we will pray with you.

David Crowder has a song on his recent CD called "Wholly Yours":

I am full of earth. You are heaven's worth. I am stained with dirt, prone to depravity. You are everything that is bright and clean, the antonym of me. You are divinity. But a certain sign of grace is this: From the broken earth flowers come up pushing through the dirt. You are holy, holy, holy. All heaven cries, "holy, holy God." You are holy, holy, holy. I want to be holy like You are. You are everything that is bright and clean. And You're covering me with Your majesty. And the truest sign of grace was this: From wounded hands redemption fell down, liberating man. But the harder I try, the more clearly can I feel the depth of our fall and the weight of it all. And so this might, could be the most impossible thing. Your grandness in me making me clean. Glory, hallelujah. Glory, glory hallelujah. So here I am, all of me. Finally everything. Wholly, wholly, wholly – I am wholly, wholly, wholly … Yours. I am full of earth and dirt and You." *

He is worthy of all my praise. He has my full allegiance.

* copyright David Crowder

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