How My Life was Before Christ

I was a driven man who had no friends – I had no time for them or use for them. Work defined me; possessions defined me. I lived for myself and was never content; I was always looking for the next thing to prove something. Success was my title and income. I was constantly striving to prove something to people: that I had what it took. On the outside, I lived the perfect life, but was really measured and controlled, incredibly distant and guarded in opening up and sharing the real me. I could be dying on the inside, but you would never know. I am embarrassed to say my motto to people was, "don’t get stressed, give it."

Since Following Jesus

Something began happening to me right after baptism in 1999. I absolutely hated and resisted going to church. What I was hearing and learning was in direct conflict with my reality – greed, excess, overwork, and "success." I just assumed, okay now, I am baptized, everything is cool. Little did I know there was a war occurring within me, fighting with everything that had become important to me. I began to look at why I was working so hard and tried to change on my own. But as I would learn and can't stress enough, there was a process I had to go through to remove all those values and behaviors, yes, sins that had marked my life. I could only do it through Jesus' power, not through my own. What was happening was that my reality with the greed and excess was in complete contrast and conflict with what I was learning, reading, and experiencing inside. I was being changed because, although I didn't understand it at the time, God had given me a New Heart and New Life in Him. Finally, I left my job, and identity at the time, and the firm I had helped build. I had worked myself to a point of complete and utter exhaustion. Although I was in denial of that at the time, I had emotionally and physically abandoned my wife and our three kids working to provide them with "everything", but actually denying them of what they so desperately were craving – me.

I was trying to get a handle on what this Christianity thing was all about. Where was the joy? Most Christians I saw were broke or miserable. I wanted nothing to do with their lives. I was terrified I might end up "like them." Then something changed it all for me: I was recommended to read "Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge. Something resonated. I read it and then re-read it. I wanted more. Was this really the life God was promising? One of adventure, beauty, battle, sacrifice, purpose, and reckless faith. I needed to get more. God came through as I sought Him.

Psalm 40 of the New Living Translation says it all:

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be astounded. They will put their trust in the Lord. Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord, who have no confidence in the proud, or in those who worship idols.

(verses 1-4)

How I Am Today

I am sold out to God now. I have come to know a God that won't be boxed in. Who violently fought for me and my family. Who grieved at the way I handled my wife's and my own heart. Who is so forgiving if we surrender ourselves to Him and allow Him to heal. And who is so liberating. A God who is sovereign, full of grace, yet to be feared. I have come to learn that I am caught up in a battle of Epic proportions. That God is alive and really speaks.

At the time I didn't even realize what He was doing, but today I have friends all over the country I care deeply about. I have ministered to many men and been so blessed and affirmed by others. My wife and I pray constantly and together out loud, and our marriage is in deep agreement and unity.

I now live for God and others. My non-negotiable priorities are God, Family, Ministry, and Work.

I am running with God. My life is completely out-of-control and I am learning to love it. I see why He had to break me. I am beginning to see the life He wants me to live. I see so many blessings. I see the cost He paid. I see it in my wife's and kids' joy. I see it in my intimacy with Him – I am a much loved child of His – that is my identity.

To sum it up in one sentence, God took me from believing that "life is all about me and I can do it on my own" to a deep understanding that it is all about Him and others, and I can only live life with and through Him. I moved from independence to interdependence with a great dependence on Him.